It has been awhile blog. I have been sick. Yes. Mammography, another, and then the call from my doctor, “We need to send you to a surgeon.” Then the colitis. Not eating because it hurts so badly. I have lost weight. A lot of weight. I need to buy clothes but I do not feel like it. Can you imagine a female not wanting to go shopping? It is true. Even when I need too. I am depressed. It is hard writing this down. It is hard telling anyone – even to those very few out there that would read this – it is hard. But I have kept my feelings bottled up. It is everything just getting to work right now. Everything. I have prayed to God and I not sure what He is up too. Yes, I know. I have been passed up before. Middle child syndrome. Oldest, the cherished. Youngest – the baby. The brother, “But he’s the male".
Where have I been for ten years? Where? I have been grieving over lost parents, friends, and co-workers. How can I go on? Can I go on? One person after another? And the other illness I have; it has gotten worse. Yes, worse. And dealing with it alone. And wondering if God is really with me. It is real. It saddens me. And I do not like how it feels. Wandering inside and out. Trying to write. But it does not come out the way I thought. It is gloomy. It is lonely. It is far away from anyone. And so, I thought a blog would help. But I am not sure. I am usually the one with one-liners. And it is becoming hard to talk even in a world of bytes and electronic media. Hoping maybe someone out there in this whole wide world could understand. Because my family does not. Others around me do not. And I am not sure if I am in the right place, the right world to be me. “Okay. So here comes the space cadet. She wants to see the stars up-close.”
Where have I been for ten years? Where? I have been grieving over lost parents, friends, and co-workers. How can I go on? Can I go on? One person after another? And the other illness I have; it has gotten worse. Yes, worse. And dealing with it alone. And wondering if God is really with me. It is real. It saddens me. And I do not like how it feels. Wandering inside and out. Trying to write. But it does not come out the way I thought. It is gloomy. It is lonely. It is far away from anyone. And so, I thought a blog would help. But I am not sure. I am usually the one with one-liners. And it is becoming hard to talk even in a world of bytes and electronic media. Hoping maybe someone out there in this whole wide world could understand. Because my family does not. Others around me do not. And I am not sure if I am in the right place, the right world to be me. “Okay. So here comes the space cadet. She wants to see the stars up-close.”
No comments:
Post a Comment